When Nothing Matters Anymore
by PlaidBerry
Summary: A doctor at County takes their own life, and when Dave can't deal with it, he decides what to do. R/R!! Last Chapter is up now!!!
1. When it hurts to live

Disclaimer: I don't own them, Don't sue me.  
Author's note: I'm writing this while watching U-571: just thought you should know!! :) Also, in my past two stories, someone was being abused, they were kinda the same (so to speak) and I promise you that this one will be completely different!  
  
  
  
Dave was in the lounge, getting ready to leave when he heard yelling in the main ER room (I don't know! Bear with me please). Interested to see what the comotion was about, he stepped outside (so to speak).  
"Dave we need you in Trauma one, now!" Weaver yelled.  
He raced into the room to see Jing-mei lying on the gurney with blood flowing freely from both wrists. Holding back the tears he did the only thing he could think of. He raced over, grabbed a wrist and held it tight to his chest, trying to make it stop bleeding. Everything around him seemed to slow down. Suddenly, someone pulled him off of her.  
"Clear!" Someone yelled. "Damn. Charge to 200! Clear!"  
"Asystole."  
"Push another epy and charge to 250! Clear!"  
The flat-line noise of the moniter burned the air.  
"That's it. Time of death, 18:45."  
Everyone stood silent. Dave kicked the door open and walked out. His emotions were raging inside him. No one even bothered to go after him, in fact, no one knew he'd even left. He felt sad, angry, anxious, and the list went on. He rode his bike home and went straight under the covers where he began to openly sob. It hurt to live. It hurt breathe. He admitted it now that he loved Jing-mei. The song "I always thought I'd see you again." by Willie Nelson (I know that's not right but I'm guessing: you know "I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, but I always thought I'd see you again. Let me know who it's by if you can) came to mind. He'd felt the feeling in his stomach of emptyness and unhappiness before. The feeling of when nothing mattered anymore. But this time it was unbearable.   
He got out of bed and walked into his bathroom. Dave opened the medicine cabinet and dumped a pile of sleeping pills into his hand. Then grabbed a fresh razor blade and only slit one wrist. He walked into his bedroom and got back under the covers and fell asleep.  
  
  
Got cha' hooked? R/R- and don't worry, there's a second chapter. Sorry it's so short but I had to do it to keep you waiting for the next chapter!! Yes, I know, I'm evil :)  
  
  



	2. What did you do?

Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't sue me.  
Authors Note: I'd like to thank Ishmade (I think I spelt that wrong, sorry!) for telling me the song "I always thought I'd see you again" is by James Taylor. I knew the songwriter but I couldn't think of it when I was writing the story. I'd also like to apologize for making it short and fast. One thing that I forgot to include in the previous chapter is that Dave took the sleeping pills. Also, this takes place approximately 3 hours after his "incident".  
  
--  
  
Abby was the only one who noticed Dave had left after the situation with Dr. Chen. She decided to go over to his place and see how he was doing. She knocked on the door and got no answer. Feeling mischievous, she pulled out a paper clip and picked the lock. The door popped open and Abby wondered if she should go in. Well, to hell with morals, she thought as she walked in.  
"Dave? You here?" Abby asked. She walked down a small hallway and into his bedroom to see Dave lying there. Abby walked over to him and shook him gently. "Dave? Wake up." His bloody wrist fell out from under the blanket. She quickly pulled back the covers to find that Dave was lying in a pool of his own blood. Abby frantically took a pulse and checked for breathing. He had a faint pulse and shallow breathing. Doing the only thing she could think of she called 911.  
"Hello, 911 what is your emergency?" A voice asked  
"My name is Abby Lockheart and I'm at 459 Johnson Street, Apartment 4C. I found Dr. Dave Malucci with his wrist slit and there's blood and..." She managed to choke out.  
"Listen, calm down, were sending an ambulance, you need to stay..."  
Abby hung up and ran over to Dave. She grabbed a wrist and held it up to help stop the bleeding. "What did you do?" Abby kept repeating through her crying. After what felt like an eternity, the EMT's finally arrived. They rushed in and put on an oxygen mask. Abby brushed his hair away from his face and whispered, "You're going to be okay."  
  
--  
In the ambulance bay.  
--  
  
Carter, Mark and Lydia were waiting for the ambulance as it pulled up. The back doors creaked open. The crew (Carter, Mark and Lydia) were surprised to see Abby come out the back with blood all over her.  
"28 year-old male, found at his home, slit wrist, shallow resps at 9, pulse ox 75, saline given in the field, we found an empty bottle of sleeping pills in the bathroom so we pumped his stomach on the way here." The EMT reported on the way to trauma room one (the one that Jing-mei was treated and died in, if you don't know). Everyone was shocked to see that it was Dave.  
"Get Benton and Weaver in here now!" Mark yelled to no one unparticular.   
"V-fib."  
"Shit, okay, charge the paddles to 150, clear!"  
Dave's entire body jumped up. Abby wanted to leave but she was unmovable.   
"Sinus rhythm."  
Just then Ramano (our favorite person since he's in all my stories) walked in.  
"Why are you here? We page Benton." Questioned Carter.  
"Hello to you to, he's in surgery, what's going on?" Ramano snapped.  
"Dr. Malucci tried to kill himself. We need you to check out his wrist while we charcoal his stomach."  
"Our, Dr. Malucci?"  
"Yeah."  
Dr. Ramano examined Dave's bloody wrist while the others inserted a tube down Dave's throat and filled it with charcoal fluid to absorb the sleeping pills.  
"Well, he'll need some vascular sutures and that's it. Ah, nurse, could you grab me a French silk vascular suture kit please?" Ramano reported.  
--  
In the ICU  
--  
  
Dave was starting to wake up. Damn it, I'm still alive, he thought to himself. His body ached all over, especially his wrist and stomach. All he could do was groan to himself. He opened is puffy eyes to see that Abby was asleep in a chair beside his bed.  
"Abby?" Dave said. She stirred a little then began to wake up.  
"Dave? Hey, how are you feeling?"  
"I've been better.  
"You gave us a scare."  
"How did I get here?"  
"I broke into your apartment and found you."  
"Great."  
Dr. Greene walked in to find that Dave was awake.  
"Well, Malucci, how's it going?" he asked Dave.  
"Why couldn't you just let me die?"  
"Because we need you to help us in the ER."  
"Whatever."  
Legaspi walked in and stopped beside Dr. Greene (she's still here in this story).  
"Hi, Dave, how are you feeling?" Kim asked in a soft voice.  
"Would everyone stop asking me that? How the fuck do you think I feel?" Dave answered harshly. He tried to motion with his hand to accentuate his emotions but he was held down by restraints.   
"We're going to leave you two alone now." Mark said as he motioned for Abby to leave with him.  
"I'll check on you later, Dave." said Abby.   
"Whatever."  
  
--  
Again, sorry the last one was sucky but hey, not every story is going to be fabulous (But, maybe they will be, who knows?) this one is longer and more descriptive. Preview for next chapter: Dave finds Jing-mei's suicide note addressed to him in his locker and stuff happens, I haven't really decided yet.  
R/R!! Also, (if you've read them) please continue to check my previous stories, I've been doing my best to add new chapters.  
  
  



	3. My Love Always

Disclaimer: I own them! Sue Me!  
Author's notes: Please R/R so I know how many people are reading my stories! Also, I have added another chapter to "Go Ask Carter" and I'm working on "hush medicine." so please R/R my other stories. Thanks!  
--  
  
"Well, after you left, he didn't really answer my questions. He was either silent or kept saying things like 'leave me alone.' " Legaspi stated.  
"So do you think he's dangerous or what?" Mark asked.  
"Well, we need to keep him here until he cooperates."  
"Whatever you say."  
--  
Dave was sick of this place. He was fine. The nurses had removed his restraints. Looking around to make sure no one could see him, he got out of bed, and pulled out his I.V. and put a Band-Aid where the needle was. Dave put on his clothes and slinked out of his room. Walking down the hall he saw Mark. Afraid he would be recognized, he walked into the conveniently open, empty elevator. But he had one flaw to his plan, the elevator opened in the ER, he realized that just as the doors closed. Before he could push another button, the ER door opened. Luckily, it was very busy and most likely no one would see him. But all the exits were blocked with people. He ran into the bathroom to figure out a plan.  
Shutting himself in a stall, he thought of what to do. He stared at his wrist. There was substantial bruising around the sutures, which were poking out of his delicate flesh. 'Look at you!' Some voice inside his head began to yell. 'Mr. big-shot doctor! Here you are, tried to kill yourself, escaped from the ICU, and now you're sitting in a hospital bathroom by yourself. You're a failure, just like Dad always used to say and it's true, you're a loser and you always will be.'   
"No I'm not!" Dave yelled into the silence.  
'Really? Where's your wife? All you've ever had were one-night stands in college and like, two girlfriends that only lasted a week and a half combined! All the other doctors think you're a joke. Face it, you're a loser and you all way will be!'  
"No I'm not! Leave me alone."  
Dave couldn't take the beating from his sub-conscious. His head began to swirl and his stomach began to turn. Everything became hot. His mouth began to water. He turned around and threw up whatever was left in his stomach. And he rested. Everything began to feel better. Dave got himself out of the stall and washed his mouth out. Just as he was about to go home, he remembered his keys were in the lounge. Stealthily, he walked out of the bathroom, crept into the lounge and made sure no one was in there.  
He spun the combination lock on his locker and it popped open. Out fell a white envelope with his name on it. He opened it up and began to read:  
  
Dear Dave,  
If you're reading this I'm most likely dead. Sorry it had to end that way but I couldn't deal with it all. Losing Michael was one of the worst things I did. I can't bear it without him. I'm a disgrace to my mother because I got pregnant out of wedlock and the father is black. In China, you can be thrown out of your village for doing that. Life just isn't worth living anymore. Don't think that this is your fault in anyway. There's nothing you could've done to change the situation. I love you. Goodbye.  
  
All my love forever,  
Dr. Jing-mei Chen  
  
The note dropped from his hands. He fell against the locker, slid down and began crying hard. He buried his weeping face in his hands. It hurt to know that she like him too and they couldn't have a relationship. Just then Carter walked in to find his colleague having a mental breakdown on the floor. Dave knew he was there but didn't do anything about it.  
"Dave...hey, everyone's looking for you." Carter said the only thing he could think of. Dave gave no response. Carter sat down beside him against the lockers and put his arm around him. Hesitantly, Dave leaned into Carter, accepting his comfort. And for an hour, they just sat there as Dave cried. John's beeper went off a couple of times but he hadn't even noticed.  
"I loved her so much..." Dave managed to say. "And she loved me too."  
Carter only held him tighter. Then Mark walked in to see the whole ordeal.   
"Wh-" Mark was about to say when Carter immediately shook his head and motioned for him to leave, which Mark did so. Dave got up, wiped his tears, grabbed his keys and started to leave.   
"Hey, Carter?" Dave said just as he was at the lounge-room door.  
"Yeah?"  
"Thanks."  
"Any time."  
"Keep this between us, right?"  
"Yeah, do you need a ride home?"  
"Uh, I don't know. I can't go home...there's blood everywhere."  
"You wanna stay with me?"  
"I couldn't impose on you like that."  
"No, you could stay with me until things get better."  
"Okay, when are you off?"  
"An hour ago."  
Dave smiled.  
"Can we stop by my place to grab some stuff?"  
"I thought you said you couldn't go home?"  
"Well, you could go in and grab some stuff while I wait in the hall."  
"Sounds like a plan to me."  
--  
I know it's not a cliffhanger but live with it. Preview for next chapter: Dave lives with Carter but it's not all it's cracked up to be. He continues to have suicidal thoughts. R/R or I shant not write another chapter!!  



	4. Memories remembered

Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't sue me.  
Author's note: Thank you, everyone, for reviewing my stories (it was a big ego burst!)! I thought no one was reading them so I threatened to stop and if no one cared I didn't feel like wasting my time. SO thanks! Enjoy!  
  
--  
Horrible memories flooded Dave's mind as he and Carter walked down the hall to his apartment. Dave couldn't bring himself to open his door so he handed the keys to John.   
"Just grab whatever you can fit in the garbage bag (which they had brought along.)" Dave ordered.  
"Okay, I'll just be a minute."  
John walked in and found his way into the bedroom. Blood was everywhere. It was dried to the linens, soaked into the mattress, and there were random puddles of blood on the floor. 'No wonder Dave didn't want to come in. I don't even want to be here.' Carter thought to himself. He made his way around the puddles and over to the dresser. He opened the dresser drawers and stuffed the garbage bag of misc. articles of clothing. Socks, pants, shirts, whatever he could find were evenly distributed to the best of his ability. When the bag could take no more, he took his previous route back out of the apartment and back to Dave.   
"You find everything okay?" Dave questioned, trying to make conversation.  
"I did my best to get everything."  
"Cool."  
John handed the bag over to Dave as he locked the door. Dave looked anxious to leave.   
"You want me to carry that?" Carter asked trying to be polite.  
"No, I can do it."  
John handed Dave the keys and they went back down the hall. Dave was relieved to get away from the building. It held to many bad emotions that he couldn't handle.  
--  
After a silent ride to Carter's apartment, they were finally there. Dave had expected a ritzy, high-class place with a butler and everything but it was a normal place. An expensive place, but a nice place. John directed Dave to his bedroom as he went to make a late lunch. 'What the hell am I doing here? I should be at home with Jing-mei.' Dave thought to himself, holding back his emotions. When everything was put away, John called Dave in for lunch. It was pretty much quiet and awkward. Carter didn't know what to say. He couldn't help but stare at his wrist scar. Dave noticed but said nothing. He finished up, put his dishes in the sink. "I'm gonna go lie down for a while." Dave said. "Sure." John replied.   
'That was fun.' Dave thought to himself as he crawled under the covers. He was immediately awoken by a thud. "Carter, is that you?" Dave yelled angrily but he got no response. Reluctantly, he pulled himself out of bed. "Carter?" Again, no response. His wrist began to throb but he ignored it. There was no sign of Carter anywhere. "Dave." He heard someone say behind him.   
"John? Is that you?" Dave again questioned. He went around, looking in the bedroom, bathroom, and living room. No one was there. John's keys were still on the coffee table so he must still be there. Dave thought. He rounded a corner and walked into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks. On the kitchen table was a gun. Dave started to sweat, so he reached into his pocket for a Kleenex but all he came up with was a crumpled up piece of paper. Dave opened it to reveal it was the note Jing-mei had written to him. All of his emotions of pain and being sad rushed through him like a waterfall. Continuous, even, and ever flowing. He missed her so much. Dave took one step forward and picked up the gun. He examined it closely and noticed it was loaded. 'I'm gonna do it right this time." Dave said to no one. He set back the hammer and heard it click into position. Slowly, he raised the barrel of the gun to his right temple.   
"I'm sorry."  
He pulled the trigger.  
  
--  
R/R!! I know it's short but live with it!  



	5. Fruit Loops

Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't sue me.  
Author's notes: Hi, um...I have nothing to say so have a nice day! (Hey, that rhymes!) Oh, wait, I have something to say and I hope your listening (well, watching if you wanna get technical) Okay, believe it or not, I have been taking notes while watching ER, plot lines, vocab, etc. So I hope you people appreciate what I do for you!  
--  
Dave shot up in bed at the bang. Covered in sweat, he realized it was all a dream. Maybe he needed therapy. The clock flashed seven p.m. Dave got out of bed and grabbed some clothes. He walked into the bathroom and took a shower. It washed away the sweat that had accumulated during his nightmare. He hadn't even noticed that the water was cold. Random thoughts raced through his mind ranging from Jing-mei to whether or not he's left the lights on in his house.   
--  
Dave realized how refreshing the shower was and he felt better. He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. He had some stubble on his face from not shaving for the past day or so. They'd also taken away his razor and anything potentially sharp from him. He searched the drawers for a razor or something. He came across Carter's electric razor. Dave didn't care if John minded or not.   
--  
He walked out of the bathroom, clean-shaven and renewed. Carter was in the living room watching TV. "Look who's up." Carter said gleefully. Dave flipped him off in reply. Carter did the same back. They both burst into laughter. It was the first time in what seemed like a long time that Carter saw Dave laugh or even smile. Dave walked into the living room and sat next to Carter on the couch.   
"So, what are we watching?" Dave asked.  
"Uh, spice channel." Carter replied.  
"I see." Dave said, engulfed in the program.  
Again, they both burst into laughter.  
--  
The alarm clock blared at Dave. He still didn't know why he'd set it for eight in the morning. He and Carter and spent a lot of the night watching TV and talking about stupid stuff. Dave dragged himself out of bed and put on a gray tee shirt and some loose sweatpants. He walked into the kitchen, expecting to find Carter. All he found was a note on the refrigerator:  
Dave-  
Didn't want to wake you up, I had to leave for work. I'll be home around five tonight. There's a spare key on my dresser if you need to go out or whatever.   
-John  
  
Dave fixed himself a bowl of Fruit Loops and sat himself down on the couch and watched Saturday morning cartoons. He was extra careful not to spill anything on the furniture or carpet. One hour later, he had to get out. Dave wasn't the kind of guy who could just sit around all day (well, he could, but he didn't want to do that). He put his dishes in the sink and grabbed the spare key. Dave locked the door and started running. He lost track of time watching his surroundings; seeing all the people, listening to the sounds of the city, he even passed County. He stopped for a snack a few times. After it started to get dark he checked his watch: 5:27 p.m. Dave looked at a street sign and found he was three blocks away from the apartment. Dave ran up the steps and went inside John's apartment.   
"Hey, Carter." Dave said casually.  
"Hey nothing, where were you?" John said angrily  
"Jeez, sorry mother, I was out running and I lost track of time."  
"You didn't even leave a note saying where you were going!"  
"It was nine in the morning! I didn't think I'd be out that long!"  
"Okay, whatever. Sorry, it's just...I don't know."  
"Seriously, I lost track of time, if I knew I was going to be so long I would've left a note or something."  
"Okay, you hungry?"  
"Starving."  
"I'm going to order a pizza, what do you want on it?"  
"Don't care, food is food"  
--  
One week later, back at County, Dave has come back to work.  
--  
Besides everyone treating him like a child, Dave was having a good start on his first day back. His stitches were removed a few days ago and his wrist was healing well. Dave was at the admin desk reviewing charts. He kept thinking Dr. Chen was going to walk around the corner and tell him to go screw himself. It didn't happen but he was getting over her. He still cried occasionally at night but the Prozac and therapy were helping.   
"Malucci!" Weaver yelled, limping down the hall towards him.  
"Yeah, chief?" Dave replied.  
"We have a GSW coming in, wanna help?"  
"Sure." Dave popped out of his chair and grabbed a yellow paper gown. It was only him and Weaver waiting out in the ambulance bay.  
"How's it going living with Carter." She said, trying to make conversation in the awkward silence.   
"It's okay." Dave replied.  
"So, how's your day going?"   
Dave hesitated, he didn't know if she was on crack or something. She'd never asked him this before.  
"Pretty well."  
Just then, the ambulance started to pull in. Thank God, he thought. After getting the stats on the patient, he started giving orders, to no one in particular. Dave picked up his life and learned an important lesson; that you have to save your own life before you can save someone else's.   
--  
Thought you wouldn't see another chapter, eh? Lets face facts people: Dave is just way too hot to die! Well, that was the last chapter, please review so I know how much I suck at doing this!  



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